Vacation

Vacation is such a blessing.  We haven't really had one in a while.  Christmas time we went away for Brian's cousin's 40th birthday, but other than that it has been a couple of years since we have gotten away as a family.

Vacation is a great way to reconnect as a family and I hope that this weekend is the start to the rebuilding of our home.

Last calendar year we were separated and one of our boys lived with my parents and we were not a united home.  This year is the start to rebuilding that and spending time with our friends in New Brunswick is a chance to let our hair down and reconnect.

Carrie' Angels

Can we all jump at the same time? LOL

Apples to Apples

Balloons, hours of fun....

Flash from the past

So flash from the past coming at you.  This weekend we're spending time at Kirby and Helen's house, Brian's best friend from Chateauguay since he was 2.  We went to NBBI(New Brunswick Bible Institute) today to play in the gym with the 8 kids for a while.  NBBI is where Brian and I met 18 years ago.

This picture is an exact replica of one we took in this same spot 18 years ago.  I will post that some time when we are home.  It's funny to think of how much has happened in those 18 years and the fact that we are still together in spite of all odds is amazing to me.  We have faced so much hardship, so many trials and yet when you get right down to it I love this guy, he loves me, and we have found our way through the muck and mire to make our way to this moment in time.  

I for one am extremely thankful.  

Serenity

Serenity.

This is what I hope to find this summer.  Even though our summer is lined up to be chaotic, painful, busy, stressful; my hope is that through the chaos God will meet us and infuse us with His peace and rest.  

All three boys failed at least one course this school year and are lined up for summer school the month of July.  They are all incredibly smart and capable, however, life circumstances the past year and a half on top of chronic illness finally caught up with our family.  

Nick originally was going to be going to work at Camp Good News for three weeks as a Counselor In Training.  I was truly excited about this because I felt it would be an amazing opportunity for growth spiritually for him. It seems God had different plans for growth for him and all of us this summer.  

Dylan broke his wrist yet again just a couple of weeks ago.  He spent the first part of last summer in a cast.  Thankfully this summer it is just a couple of weeks of a removable brace.  

Kelsey is participating in ESY(extended school year) this summer one morning a week and also will be at the farm one morning a week participating in the Equine Discovery Center learning about horses and many other things.  She will continue tutoring and taking horse riding lessons every other week and participating in the summer reading program through the library. 

I will be working 2-3 days a week while also trying to make sure everyone is where they need to be.  

Brian will be working as normal and trying to juggle all that I can't do while being laid up this summer.

We have applied for jobs in town for Brad and Nick and nothing seems to come from it.  Again, I feel that God has other things in mind for our family this summer.

Back in April I was playing basketball with my brother and our kids and in going for the ball stepped wrong and collapsed.  The doctor told me I had dislocated my patella but that if it didn't improve over the next several weeks to call him and he would send me to PT.  I ended up in PT and she felt by my description of how I injured my knee and upon examination that I may have torn my ACL.  So, I made an appointment with the orthopedic doctor.  After x-rays and an MRI found out I indeed did tear my ACL and my meniscus as well as fractured my bone though that part would heal on its own.  I am now scheduled for surgery on July 8th and will be unable to walk or bear weight on that leg for 4 weeks.  

Let's just say that being laid up during the time of year that we can hit the beach is bummer enough, but to also know that our kids need to be in a million places and I won't be able to drive because it is my right knee makes it all the more stressful.  I am learning though that God's plans are certainly not my own.  And typically His plans end up being a lot more productive and helpful than my plans are.  

My heartfelt prayer for this summer is that we as a family would find connection with one another and with God.  That through the midst of chaos and change we would find that serene place of rest and joy and peace.  That God's plan for our family this summer would be made very clear as the days and weeks pass.  

Count Your Blessings

I am someone who loves to have all of my ducks in a row.  God has a sense of humor.  My life is nothing if not unpredictable.  I have learned to roll with the punches, go with the flow, be spontaneous, laugh at my circumstances; because let's face it, there are a lot of days it is laughable.  Clean dishes?  Vacuumed floors? Folded laundry?  It has been at least 3 years since those things have been at the top of my priority list. 

I am now homeschooling my 8 year old daughter 3rd grade.  We have a puppy and a bunny in the house now.  Bradley is living with my parents.  I work one day a week.  The dog brings in messes, the bunny pees on me occasionally, the dog pukes in the van.  The kids leave stuff everywhere in their hurry to get to the next thing we have going on.  Supper is often on the run.  I go to the gym at 8pm with a friend because I simply have no other time in the day to do it. 

Our calendar is filled to the max with appointments that cost money and take a lot of time and energy.  I have to rearrange and juggle and change them when other things pop up that weren't known at least a month in advance.  I almost miss appointments because of how scatter-brained I am lately with the stress of family problems.  I just laugh at myself and race around getting everyone out the door to be where they need to be and off we go running.

Don't get me wrong, I have my moments.  Just yesterday the stress and busyness and forgetfulness with my brain got me to a place where I had to ask my kid's forgiveness because I yelled and said some things that were truly unkind.  I was running on 5 hours of sleep and too much going on and way too much stress and I lost my cool.  They are such blessings though because they know I love them and would never hurt them on purpose.  They say cruel things sometimes that hurt my feelings.  I try not to show it unless it requires correction.  I know sometimes they just don't feel well or are tired or grumpy and grace is needed. 

Sometimes I would like to curl up in a ball and sleep away the days so that I don't have to think or feel anything anymore.  It is in those moments that God's strength, grace, peace and love overwhelm me.  Just yesterday I was reading a Proverbs 31 devotional and it was EXACTLY what I needed to read about JOY.  God's goodness is amazing.  I don't know how I would do it without him.  I also have friends who check in often or who I know I can call if I need them at any time of day.  They are amazing.  I also have a gym partner that when I feel least like going we go, because we both know how good it feels when we are finished.  I came home last night feeling so good compared to when I left the house. 

God has given me so many reasons to be thankful.  I was reminded of my favorite hymn the other day, Count Your Blessings:

1. When upon life’s billows you are tempest-tossed,
   When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
   Count your many blessings, name them one by one,
   And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.
   
   • Refrain:
     Count your blessings, name them one by one,
     Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
     Count your blessings, name them one by one,
     *Count your many blessings, see what God hath done.
     [*And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.]
2. Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
   Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
   Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly,
   And you will keep singing as the days go by.
3. When you look at others with their lands and gold,
   Think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold;
   Count your many blessings—*money cannot buy [*wealth can never buy]
   Your reward in heaven, nor your home on high.
4. So, amid the conflict whether great or small,
   Do not be discouraged, God is over all;
   Count your many blessings, angels will attend,
   Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.

Like Ann Voskamp says about listing your thanks,  if you are busy doing that you don't have time to complain or dwell on the negative things in your life. 

Complete

How quickly life changes.....I was looking back to the last time I wrote here....so much has happened since then.  I have read back through my journals for the past 3 years as well and seeing God's hand at work has been such a blessing.  I am not regular at journaling or keeping up here either, but what time I have spent writing, has truly blessed my heart to be able to look back and see all the ways God has held me up and the many ways He has seen us through some ridiculously difficult days and situations.  It is unmistakably his Hand at work. There is no other explanation.

The beginning of October, Brian went to visit his family, and on the way home he had hit rock bottom and texted me.  I felt for the first moment in months that there was hope.  It's ironic how in the darkest moment is when you can feel the lightest knowing that possibly God was finally answering your prayers that you had been faithfully praying for for months, years even.  I never stopped believing that God COULD restore us, but whether or not he WOULD was a different story.  It certainly looked grim for a long time.  We were supposed to be headed to the court to file for divorce that same week following his trip to Montreal, yet God saw fit to turn it around at the last possible moment.

In the two weeks following his trip things seemed different, but I dared not hope too much.  I was cautiously excited to see what God was doing in our lives.  It was cool to watch things turn around between us.  There was understandably hesitation and caution on both of our parts.  We decided at the end of the month to try to reconcile, knowing we would need outside help with the process.  As the days, weeks, and months continued; we slowly moved in a positive direction and God saw us through honeymoon days and some really tough Speed Bumps along the way.

Now after just over three months of being under the same roof again, I see God's gift in my husband and all that he has meant to me over the years, but what I refused(or was too distracted) to see for much of those days.  I am so thankful for who and what he is in my life.  He is the laughter and joy in my heart and life; and the love of each new morning, he is like the sunshine that had been missing during our year apart; he is the other half of me that was broken and gone from my life.  I still have moments that overwhelm me with joy and thankfulness that he is a part of my life again each day and not gone from my life forever.  I feel sadness over all that I almost lost and relief that I didn't in fact lose it.

Counting my Blessings is something that I have been challenged to do over and over again since I was a high schooler.  I certainly have come by my blessings easily in these past months.  They stare me in the face every morning I wake up and every night I crawl into bed.  I am truly the luckiest girl in the world to still have the love of my life by my side and to have not needed to lose him to find it out, though it was closer than I ever want to come again.  I intend to never again take advantage of him so that he feels worthless, and yet I know that I am prone to making stupid mistakes and forgetting quickly but I certainly hope I don't make him feel that way ever again.  He is such a blessing in my life.

I am sorry my love for not realizing the gem I had in you before and I vow to doing my best to never again making you feel like you aren't the most important human being in my life.  Because you are, and I am not complete without you in my life each and every day.

God is my all, but my Number 2 is for sure YOU! I love you.

Vacation part 2

We are having a fantastic time here in Chateauguay, Quebec. Tears keep showing up arbitrarily and unwantingly but all in all it has been such a refreshing, relaxing time.  We have been biking and walking all over the place. We have checked out four different playgrounds already in our time here.  We have spent time with Brian's parents, our sister-in-law and kids, and tomorrow will go see his cousin and girlfriend.

We went to Parc Safari yesterday with his parents. It was so much fun. The kids fed the animals during the safari part and we walked to see the rest of the animals.  The one animal we forgot to go see before we left is the giraffe. We were bummed about that but saw them just two years ago and will go back some day again I'm sure.

Dylan has practically lived on his bike while being here and Ruby paces wanting to be out there chasing him, but can't because we are in the "city".

Tim Hortons, what is there to say? We LOVE visiting there 1-2 times daily while being here. Their coffee is delicious, and they have sour cream donuts....yum, my favorite.

I had poutine for lunch which is my other downfall food when we are here.  It is another fave of mine.

We may head to yet another park in a while, this one has sprinklers for the kids to play in. And tonight we may head to Mount Royal to see the city from the overlook.

It's fun being in a place where there is so much free to do, and so close to do it.

Glad we still have 3 more days to enjoy here before getting back to reality.

Vacation

So I am in Canada at my In-laws for 5 days with 3 of my kiddos. I am a mix of emotions. I am truly enjoying quality time with three of my kids as well as his parents and over the next few days more family and friends.  I love coming up here. It is a break from routine. I need that like a breath of fresh air right now, so do the kids. However, leaving one child behind out if necessity and not having my husband travel with us anymore either just breaks my heart, especially when you are traveling familiar childhood territory of your almost former spouse.  I teared up a few times on the way up. Memories flooded in several times. And again traveling just 4 of us instead of 6 is torture.

The kids and I have had a blast since getting here. We took Ruby for a bike ride run around the neighborhood, then three of us rode our bikes to the park and I swung high in the sky like a bird on the swings. I felt like a kid again and very relaxed. It was wonderful. All in all this will be a good weekend. I am just worried moving forward what my relationship with these dear people will become, because for all their faults, they are still family. After 17 plus years what else would they be?

Pray for the kids and I that we enjoy our time and relax fully while we are here. And that God would guard my heart. The kid's relationship with these people isn't changing, but mine may be in the very near future and it saddens me deeply.