I tell you what....God has a sense of humor. My life could either be seen as a comedy or tragedy, you decide. I was reading the last few posts as it has been a while since I was on here. I am amazed at how much has happened since then. I thought it was rough/bad back then, and don't get me wrong, it was. But man, have things truly spiraled downward since then.
I completely trust God with my whole being and I am so glad that I do. I'm glad I have Him in my life and that He is my ROCK. Without Him I would for sure be institutionalized by now. I have moments where I think I may still end up there but for my kid's sake I truly hope not.
Brian moved out January 11th of this year. That day was one of the hardest days of my life. In a lot of ways it has since gotten easier. You adjust and keep moving forward especially when you have four young children looking up to you for your responses and relying on you. Tonight however I can't sleep and I NEVER have trouble sleeping. I am exhausted every night and typically when my head hits that pillow I am out like a light. Tonight though the tears showed up. Again, not something that often happens to me. There has been so much hurt and loss already, yet there may need to be more before we are done.
I have a very love/hate relationship with our dog. She is sweet and lovable but full of it. She is high energy and with all that has transpired in our lives everyone is on autopilot/coping mode. For some that means sitting in front of the tv, some it means never sitting still, whatever it is.....the dog has gotten the raw leftovers. She is not being cared for in the way she needs to be cared for. She is a sweet, sweet girl and Dylan adores her. She is his best friend yet with all the loss he forgets her. Part of me wants to see her go because she destroys everything and makes a mess of everything including our front yard that looks like a minefield. But the other part of me can't bear the thought of losing one more thing/person in my own life let alone my 11-year old's. Brian asked our dentist yesterday if he wanted her. He is thinking about it. I just completely lost it tonight at the thought of her being gone and my broken son's heart.
I was fighting with one of my 14-year old's earlier about getting off Xbox to go to bed. So in thinking about my priorities as a mom and in trying to teach my kid' show to work hard, manage their time, grieve properly, I have decided that the tv's are going away for the rest of the summer as of tomorrow morning. I know most of you probably think. I am crazy(though I don't have many followers anyways), however as hard of an adjustment it will be for all of us, I think it will improve life all the way around when we all adjust. The dog will be better cared for, we will have time for regular devotions, everyone will have time to read, play games together, and get more exercise. All of the relationships within my home will strengthen, all because of ridding my home of a tool that right now Satan is using to tear my home apart. Call me crazy, but if nothing else, will you please pray for us. When we got rid of cable months ago, we didn't really miss it, so now it is time for the next step.
That is where I am at tonight. Not sure how much sense I made at 1:00 in the morning, but it's a start. Welcome back me to the blogging world. :)
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
Monday, August 5, 2013
Happy Birthday Ethan
Nine years ago today we gave birth to our 4th son, Ethan Mark Lajeunesse. He was not living at the time of birth. It baffles my mind how fast time flies. It seems like yesterday and yet also like it never happened. It is a whole confusion of emotions. I don't very often feel like crying about our loss any more and yet sometimes, like today, it just hits me from out of nowhere.
How can you miss someone you have never even met? How can you long for someone who touched your life in such a way that it is indescribable and yet never said a word or looked at you once in this lifetime? Yet no matter how short a time he was here with us, he played a major role in my faith journey. It was through that loss that God showed me clearly how much He loves me and how very much He cares about the details.
I was looking at our photo album and reading through my journal from those dark days. And yet, in spite of the darkness, there is joy and light sprinkled everywhere in there. The day we left for the hospital to deliver Ethan, August 5th, 2004, Brian prayed in our living room before we left that "God would help us, comfort us, and especially show us His presence in the hours to come." And boy did He ever. We had 3 amazing nurses: Lynn, Nancy, and Kim. We have a picture of us with them. They were God's gift to us that day. I had at least 2 Christian nurses while I was in the hospital afterwards also. My mom and I walked the hallways late at night, me drinking prune juice, and us just laughing....I don't remember about what. She slept in bed with me because I couldn't sleep the night she stayed with me. My aunt came and shared Romans 8 with me and it became such a place of hope and encouragement for me. Romans 8:18~"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us." The list just continues.
Brian was my "little" rock(he reminded me). He was there to simply give me a hug when I needed to cry. He would keep the boys occupied while I napped. He loved me through it all: fat stomach and nothing to show for it, milk coming in and no baby to feed, an incision that didn't heal properly because one of my staples didn't hold, the messy house on the days I just couldn't pull it together.
I had friends and family and church people surround me to help with the boys, bring me meals, clean the house, put Dylan to bed or get him up from bed. He was still in a crib and was a big 1 1/2 year old and I couldn't lift him due to a c-section.
There are so many good things to look back and give thanks for. That is what I chose to do during those dark moments. And there were dark moments. Many of them. I can remember thinking I had done something wrong to cause his death. I am the mom....it is my job to care for my baby's even in the womb. I remember telling Brian that I didn't want a girl that bad and that maybe it is because I really wanted one that God somehow had cruelly allowed his death. I of course knew better, but it crossed my mind. God in His faithfulness did see fit to give us a beautiful baby girl almost a year to the day later. August 31, 2005 Kelsey Grace was born to our family. Grace because God's grace saw fit to give us a healthy baby GIRL a year later after the tragedy our family faced.
But what a price Ethan had to pay for Kelsey to be here. Kind of like Jesus paid the ultimate price for us to be in heaven with Him some day. The thing that brought me immediate peace and hope was knowing without a doubt that Ethan was in Jesus' arms and that I WILL see him again some day and hold him for the first time. I held his shell here on earth, but he was already in Jesus' safe and loving arms.
You may all think we are crazy but Brian and I have always prayed that our children would be taken before the age of understanding if they are not going to come to know Jesus as their personal Savior. That way they don't have the choice to reject Christ/God. Instead of living a life here on earth with us and an eternity in hell, they will not have a long life here with me but I will get to spend eternity with them in heaven. What better gift could I as a parent give? This gave me the most peace and joy and hope through those months. Knowing that Ethan would never go down a horrible path that I would have to endure watching with a broken heart. Instead he is running and jumping and healthy on gold streets with the best Father there is.
So though this blog may jump around and not make much sense and though maybe some of you think I have completely lost it, this is my heart concerning my precious baby boy. He changed my life in ways that I can't even put into words. He made me a better person and because of my loss I have come to know many good friends of mine because they too went through such a devastating loss and we could empathize with them because we had been there. He allowed me to know my God better because of the journey I faced. He gave me a priceless gift. I am forever grateful for that.
And I can't wait to hold you in my arms and wish you a for real happy birthday some day sweet baby boy. Happy Birthday Ethan! I love you with all my heart. ~ Mommy ~
How can you miss someone you have never even met? How can you long for someone who touched your life in such a way that it is indescribable and yet never said a word or looked at you once in this lifetime? Yet no matter how short a time he was here with us, he played a major role in my faith journey. It was through that loss that God showed me clearly how much He loves me and how very much He cares about the details.
I was looking at our photo album and reading through my journal from those dark days. And yet, in spite of the darkness, there is joy and light sprinkled everywhere in there. The day we left for the hospital to deliver Ethan, August 5th, 2004, Brian prayed in our living room before we left that "God would help us, comfort us, and especially show us His presence in the hours to come." And boy did He ever. We had 3 amazing nurses: Lynn, Nancy, and Kim. We have a picture of us with them. They were God's gift to us that day. I had at least 2 Christian nurses while I was in the hospital afterwards also. My mom and I walked the hallways late at night, me drinking prune juice, and us just laughing....I don't remember about what. She slept in bed with me because I couldn't sleep the night she stayed with me. My aunt came and shared Romans 8 with me and it became such a place of hope and encouragement for me. Romans 8:18~"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us." The list just continues.
Brian was my "little" rock(he reminded me). He was there to simply give me a hug when I needed to cry. He would keep the boys occupied while I napped. He loved me through it all: fat stomach and nothing to show for it, milk coming in and no baby to feed, an incision that didn't heal properly because one of my staples didn't hold, the messy house on the days I just couldn't pull it together.
I had friends and family and church people surround me to help with the boys, bring me meals, clean the house, put Dylan to bed or get him up from bed. He was still in a crib and was a big 1 1/2 year old and I couldn't lift him due to a c-section.
There are so many good things to look back and give thanks for. That is what I chose to do during those dark moments. And there were dark moments. Many of them. I can remember thinking I had done something wrong to cause his death. I am the mom....it is my job to care for my baby's even in the womb. I remember telling Brian that I didn't want a girl that bad and that maybe it is because I really wanted one that God somehow had cruelly allowed his death. I of course knew better, but it crossed my mind. God in His faithfulness did see fit to give us a beautiful baby girl almost a year to the day later. August 31, 2005 Kelsey Grace was born to our family. Grace because God's grace saw fit to give us a healthy baby GIRL a year later after the tragedy our family faced.
But what a price Ethan had to pay for Kelsey to be here. Kind of like Jesus paid the ultimate price for us to be in heaven with Him some day. The thing that brought me immediate peace and hope was knowing without a doubt that Ethan was in Jesus' arms and that I WILL see him again some day and hold him for the first time. I held his shell here on earth, but he was already in Jesus' safe and loving arms.
You may all think we are crazy but Brian and I have always prayed that our children would be taken before the age of understanding if they are not going to come to know Jesus as their personal Savior. That way they don't have the choice to reject Christ/God. Instead of living a life here on earth with us and an eternity in hell, they will not have a long life here with me but I will get to spend eternity with them in heaven. What better gift could I as a parent give? This gave me the most peace and joy and hope through those months. Knowing that Ethan would never go down a horrible path that I would have to endure watching with a broken heart. Instead he is running and jumping and healthy on gold streets with the best Father there is.
So though this blog may jump around and not make much sense and though maybe some of you think I have completely lost it, this is my heart concerning my precious baby boy. He changed my life in ways that I can't even put into words. He made me a better person and because of my loss I have come to know many good friends of mine because they too went through such a devastating loss and we could empathize with them because we had been there. He allowed me to know my God better because of the journey I faced. He gave me a priceless gift. I am forever grateful for that.
And I can't wait to hold you in my arms and wish you a for real happy birthday some day sweet baby boy. Happy Birthday Ethan! I love you with all my heart. ~ Mommy ~
Friday, July 19, 2013
BE (curious aren't you?)
What a ride it has been. The past several years have been non-stop. Doctor's appointments innumerable, miles racked up on the van, not even remembering where I am driving on any given day as I get in "the mode". It is unnerving when you suddenly realize you don't know where you are headed at that moment. Then it clicks and the panic subsides.
I think about those who don't know God and how He directs. What a panic that must bring about in people at moments where life is falling apart. My life has practically fallen apart many times in the past few years and yet God is so faithful. He has not let me go. He has held me up in the hopeless moments. He has given me strength when I just have nothing left. He has sent just the right person and the right words at just the right moment to keep me going.
I was able to get away this past April for a week to my good friend Kelsey MacMaster's house. She and her husband have no children, but a sweet little dog by the name of Bailey. I have never been what you would call a dog person mostly because I grew up with cats and some dogs freak me out with their barking and jumping. I just didn't know what life with one was like. I enjoyed my time away. It was quiet. Very quiet. It took me 36-48 hours to simply unwind. I didn't know how to just be still. It was a new concept for me. I have always been one who likes to be busy and in motion, but my life has dictated that pace at a rapid rate the past several years. So to be able to just BE was a new concept to me. It was heavenly. I renewed and refreshed. I rediscovered who and what I am as a person.....not as wife, mom, friend, doctor, taxi driver, etc. Simply ME. It was rejuvinating. I came home remembering some of the things I used to love doing. I rediscovered the things that filled me up. I learned some new things about myself. I found out even more new things after I got home and started seeing a counselor to help me establish boundaries and a balance for myself. I remembered how much I loved to read. I enjoy being in the kitchen trying new things again(though it is hard with the various tastebuds in our family). I am learning to say no even to things and people that I enjoy and want to help but have relearned my limits.
I got to cuddle with Bailey on the couch reading often throughout the day. It was glorious. Kelsey asked me daily if there was anything I wanted to do, but I really didn't want to go anywhere. We went for walks and drank coffee and painted our toenails, but it was nice just being somewhere that there was no schedule and no pressing matters and no one calling my name every 2 minutes and no medications to be administered except for my own.
God met me there and reminded me how much worth I have. He reminded me that my needs are also important and that if I don't spend time caring for myself that I can't take care of anyone else well. I do it empty and frustrated and exhausted. He filled me in a way that no human will ever be able to do.
This summer my goal has been to keep it simple, keep it calm, keep it slow. We took 6 weeks off from the crazy schedule of appointments. We are just BEING. I needed it. The kids needed it. Our bank account needed it. We have slept in, stayed in our pjs. Drank coffee, watched too much tv. And it is ok. Because as soon as August 27th or whatever date hits that school starts up again life becomes mostly a whirlwind until it ends again the end of June. So for now we focus on rest. We focus on each other's needs. We focus on God. We focus on relationships.
My encouragement to you today is to reevaluate your days. See where your time is spent. Is it on what is truly important? My sister in law reminds me often that the house cleaning.....it's all gonna burn. :) I love that reminder. Not that we should live in filth and not that we shouldn't train our children how to care for what God has given us. However, it is not what is truly important for today or for eternity.
Stay cool in this heat and BE.
I think about those who don't know God and how He directs. What a panic that must bring about in people at moments where life is falling apart. My life has practically fallen apart many times in the past few years and yet God is so faithful. He has not let me go. He has held me up in the hopeless moments. He has given me strength when I just have nothing left. He has sent just the right person and the right words at just the right moment to keep me going.
I was able to get away this past April for a week to my good friend Kelsey MacMaster's house. She and her husband have no children, but a sweet little dog by the name of Bailey. I have never been what you would call a dog person mostly because I grew up with cats and some dogs freak me out with their barking and jumping. I just didn't know what life with one was like. I enjoyed my time away. It was quiet. Very quiet. It took me 36-48 hours to simply unwind. I didn't know how to just be still. It was a new concept for me. I have always been one who likes to be busy and in motion, but my life has dictated that pace at a rapid rate the past several years. So to be able to just BE was a new concept to me. It was heavenly. I renewed and refreshed. I rediscovered who and what I am as a person.....not as wife, mom, friend, doctor, taxi driver, etc. Simply ME. It was rejuvinating. I came home remembering some of the things I used to love doing. I rediscovered the things that filled me up. I learned some new things about myself. I found out even more new things after I got home and started seeing a counselor to help me establish boundaries and a balance for myself. I remembered how much I loved to read. I enjoy being in the kitchen trying new things again(though it is hard with the various tastebuds in our family). I am learning to say no even to things and people that I enjoy and want to help but have relearned my limits.
I got to cuddle with Bailey on the couch reading often throughout the day. It was glorious. Kelsey asked me daily if there was anything I wanted to do, but I really didn't want to go anywhere. We went for walks and drank coffee and painted our toenails, but it was nice just being somewhere that there was no schedule and no pressing matters and no one calling my name every 2 minutes and no medications to be administered except for my own.
God met me there and reminded me how much worth I have. He reminded me that my needs are also important and that if I don't spend time caring for myself that I can't take care of anyone else well. I do it empty and frustrated and exhausted. He filled me in a way that no human will ever be able to do.
This summer my goal has been to keep it simple, keep it calm, keep it slow. We took 6 weeks off from the crazy schedule of appointments. We are just BEING. I needed it. The kids needed it. Our bank account needed it. We have slept in, stayed in our pjs. Drank coffee, watched too much tv. And it is ok. Because as soon as August 27th or whatever date hits that school starts up again life becomes mostly a whirlwind until it ends again the end of June. So for now we focus on rest. We focus on each other's needs. We focus on God. We focus on relationships.
My encouragement to you today is to reevaluate your days. See where your time is spent. Is it on what is truly important? My sister in law reminds me often that the house cleaning.....it's all gonna burn. :) I love that reminder. Not that we should live in filth and not that we shouldn't train our children how to care for what God has given us. However, it is not what is truly important for today or for eternity.
Stay cool in this heat and BE.
Friday, August 31, 2012
The Long Hard Road
Some days I feel like I have it pretty well put together. I feel like I have had a good time with the Lord and I didn't yell at my kids and I loved my husband well. Other days I feel like I have nothing together. But even on my best days, there are still things that I can be working on and towards.
God has been showing me some of this the past 2 weeks. It is hard. It's hard to see all that you are doing wrong when you felt like you were doing pretty good. And yet without change there would be no improvement, no growth. God loves us where we are at, yes; but He also loves us too much to leave us there.
Let's face it, if your child were struggling with treating others with love you would still love them right? But you certainly would try to train and teach them that they need to love others for their sake as well as others. Mostly to please God, but there are certainly repurcussions for our actions as well. If your child isn't being loving then chances are they won't have many friends. You don't want that for your child.
God doesn't want that for us either.
God has been showing me that I have been living in fear due to certain circumstances. My counselor showed me that I had been unforgiving and that I need to not "be anxious about anything(Phil. 4:6)." The funny part is that when I was leaving he told me be aware because those thoughts and doubts will creep up by the end of the day. You need to "take them captive" and claim "the peace of God which passes all understanding" and "think on what is true"(Phil 4). I did pretty well for the past couple of days. Not that thoughts didn't come in, but I was able for the most part to rebuke them. But then last night hit. Just not being sure of where things are at I started to fear. And then it grew(kind of like the rumor weed in Larry Boy, except mine was fear). I tried to pray and take it captive. It didn't go well.
So here I am right back where I started. I know it will take time to get rid of the old bad habit and to form a new healthy one, but man it can be discouraging. I am all gung-ho about getting this under control, but I am still going to fall/stumble.
I remember Brian's best friend Kirby giving a sermon YEARS ago that still sticks in my brain today. He said it isn't a question of whether or not you will fall. The question is that WHEN you fall what are you going to do about it. You can stay down and discouraged and throw in the towel and give up. Or you can get back up again, brush yourself off and keep working toward the goal.
I want to be the type of person that gets right back up and keeps working toward that goal. I don't want to stay defeated. That is what Satan wants and I certainly don't want him to feel the joy of that victory. He already had a mini victory when I stumbled.
I love Psalm 139. I was reading it again this morning and being reminded of how God views me. Read it if you also need the reminder. The last 2 verses of the passage have been a challenge to me over the years off and on. Sometimes when I feel like things are going really well I will pray those verses and ask God to reveal to me what I should/could be working on. Well, this morning God is already showing me what I need to be working on, yet something popped out that I don't know that I have seen before(I love that about God's Word). It's verses 23-24 "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." Did you see it? The word anxious. God knows my anxious thoughts. He knows I have been having them and that I needed the reminder that I need to be led in the way everlasting.
I can't do this alone. God is the one who will take me by the hand, even carry me sometimes through the muck and mire. He isn't afraid to roll up His sleeves and get into it with me to help me through. He loves me that much. I am so thankful for a God who cares so deeply about me. He doesn't say "Ugh, you did it again." No, He loves me and has pity and compassion on me and says to my soul "Yes, you fell again, but I am here to help you walk through this. You are not alone. You are not worthless. You are human, frail. I designed you this way. I want you to rely on me and keep your eyes focused on me."
A pastor I once had said this quote "I'm going to glance at my problems and gaze at my God." What power there is in that practice!
How about you today? Are you being shown some things that you need to work on? Let's encourage one another on the path to sanctification. It is a process not a destination. Keep fighting the good fight and keep the faith. We will arrive......in heaven. On earth there will be troubles the Bible says, but there is victory in Jesus. Keep holding on.
God has been showing me some of this the past 2 weeks. It is hard. It's hard to see all that you are doing wrong when you felt like you were doing pretty good. And yet without change there would be no improvement, no growth. God loves us where we are at, yes; but He also loves us too much to leave us there.
Let's face it, if your child were struggling with treating others with love you would still love them right? But you certainly would try to train and teach them that they need to love others for their sake as well as others. Mostly to please God, but there are certainly repurcussions for our actions as well. If your child isn't being loving then chances are they won't have many friends. You don't want that for your child.
God doesn't want that for us either.
God has been showing me that I have been living in fear due to certain circumstances. My counselor showed me that I had been unforgiving and that I need to not "be anxious about anything(Phil. 4:6)." The funny part is that when I was leaving he told me be aware because those thoughts and doubts will creep up by the end of the day. You need to "take them captive" and claim "the peace of God which passes all understanding" and "think on what is true"(Phil 4). I did pretty well for the past couple of days. Not that thoughts didn't come in, but I was able for the most part to rebuke them. But then last night hit. Just not being sure of where things are at I started to fear. And then it grew(kind of like the rumor weed in Larry Boy, except mine was fear). I tried to pray and take it captive. It didn't go well.
So here I am right back where I started. I know it will take time to get rid of the old bad habit and to form a new healthy one, but man it can be discouraging. I am all gung-ho about getting this under control, but I am still going to fall/stumble.
I remember Brian's best friend Kirby giving a sermon YEARS ago that still sticks in my brain today. He said it isn't a question of whether or not you will fall. The question is that WHEN you fall what are you going to do about it. You can stay down and discouraged and throw in the towel and give up. Or you can get back up again, brush yourself off and keep working toward the goal.
I want to be the type of person that gets right back up and keeps working toward that goal. I don't want to stay defeated. That is what Satan wants and I certainly don't want him to feel the joy of that victory. He already had a mini victory when I stumbled.
I love Psalm 139. I was reading it again this morning and being reminded of how God views me. Read it if you also need the reminder. The last 2 verses of the passage have been a challenge to me over the years off and on. Sometimes when I feel like things are going really well I will pray those verses and ask God to reveal to me what I should/could be working on. Well, this morning God is already showing me what I need to be working on, yet something popped out that I don't know that I have seen before(I love that about God's Word). It's verses 23-24 "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." Did you see it? The word anxious. God knows my anxious thoughts. He knows I have been having them and that I needed the reminder that I need to be led in the way everlasting.
I can't do this alone. God is the one who will take me by the hand, even carry me sometimes through the muck and mire. He isn't afraid to roll up His sleeves and get into it with me to help me through. He loves me that much. I am so thankful for a God who cares so deeply about me. He doesn't say "Ugh, you did it again." No, He loves me and has pity and compassion on me and says to my soul "Yes, you fell again, but I am here to help you walk through this. You are not alone. You are not worthless. You are human, frail. I designed you this way. I want you to rely on me and keep your eyes focused on me."
A pastor I once had said this quote "I'm going to glance at my problems and gaze at my God." What power there is in that practice!
How about you today? Are you being shown some things that you need to work on? Let's encourage one another on the path to sanctification. It is a process not a destination. Keep fighting the good fight and keep the faith. We will arrive......in heaven. On earth there will be troubles the Bible says, but there is victory in Jesus. Keep holding on.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Thankfulness for Today
Godly friends who give godly advice
Girl's night out
Prayer to a loving Heavenly Father
Beautiful weather
No cavities at the dentist
Fun trip to the playground with my 4 blessings(kids)
A husband who provides through working hard
Hugs from my children
A God who cares about me intimately
A family who loves and supports me through thick and thin
Answered prayer
Support of close friends
The constant reminder that God's ways/plans are not mine
God's peace and joy in my life
God's faithfulness to me
Girl's night out
Prayer to a loving Heavenly Father
Beautiful weather
No cavities at the dentist
Fun trip to the playground with my 4 blessings(kids)
A husband who provides through working hard
Hugs from my children
A God who cares about me intimately
A family who loves and supports me through thick and thin
Answered prayer
Support of close friends
The constant reminder that God's ways/plans are not mine
God's peace and joy in my life
God's faithfulness to me
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Todays Graces
Graces for today:
Beautiful, tall, happy sunflowers in our garden
Freshly mowed grass
My children and all their boisterous energy
My wonderful husband and all the patience he has for me, a sinful wife who messes up daily
Playing soccer with my children in the front yard(and the ability to still do a cartwheel!)
A quick, cool dip in the pool to cool off after the soccer game
Coffee.....love
Truth, though it sometimes hurts
Conviction, though it makes me uncomfortable, it causes me to strive to be a better person
Peace amidst trials
Pain and suffering, reminds me I am human and not there yet
Beautiful, tall, happy sunflowers in our garden
Freshly mowed grass
My children and all their boisterous energy
My wonderful husband and all the patience he has for me, a sinful wife who messes up daily
Playing soccer with my children in the front yard(and the ability to still do a cartwheel!)
A quick, cool dip in the pool to cool off after the soccer game
Coffee.....love
Truth, though it sometimes hurts
Conviction, though it makes me uncomfortable, it causes me to strive to be a better person
Peace amidst trials
Pain and suffering, reminds me I am human and not there yet
"You are not my enemy"
Why is it that the people closest to us, the ones we care the most about, and love the deepest, are the ones we hurt the easiest and the deepest and the most often? I hate this about myself. It is the one part of me that I loathe the most actually. I am one of those people who truly would do everything in my power to NEVER hurt anyone, let alone the ones I love the most. Except you know what? I can't always control it. I can't do a stinking thing about it always. I can work my hardest and be ever so conscious of it continually and yet there will still be times that I am breaking the heart of the one I love most.
This is where my title comes in. Brian and I have been to 3 Family Life marriage conferences over the years, but the one that sticks out most in my mind is the one we attended 6 years ago. We were in the battle of our lives to save our marriage and our family. Satan wanted it badly. God wanted it too and He won...Praise the Lord. The one session I remember the most was profound to say the least. I don't remember his name or anything that he said that day except this one part. He asked us to turn to each other and hold each other's hands and look into each other's eyes and repeat "You are not my enemy." Profound right? Probably not to everyone. But to us in that moment it was huge!!! By the third time we said it we were no longer giggling, but the truth truly settled into our hearts. It was like God had just turned on a huge lightbulb in our hearts. We were angry with each other, hurt, mad, sad, betrayed.....on and on went the feelings, but the bottom line was that we were wrestling "not with flesh and blood, but with powers, etc." Satan wanted our family to be ripped into a million pieces, but that isn't what God wanted at all and He showed us clearly where our minds had drifted astray!
I'm so thankful that He did. But the fact still remains that I don't always respond great when my wonderful husband arrives at home every day. The long day wears on me and my mood is unpredictable depending on how things went with the kids. I know with God's help that I can resolve this, but it is a pattern that has been set for sure. Instead of greeting him at the door with a hug and a kiss showing how much I missed him all day and asking about his day, he is often met with me breaking up a fight between brothers, or settling an argument about who had it first, or just the mess that our house is some days at the end of a long day/week with 6 people in it.
I must confess that I don't even realize that I do it, because again it was a pattern set so long ago that it is now a habit that must be broken so that I can in turn develop a new healthy pattern so Brian will want to come home to his wife who is always happy to see him. Because in spite of my mood, that is seriously the best part of my day is the moment he drives in that driveway. He is my best friend, my partner in life and the one I love to spend my time with making memories and laughing til my side hurts.
He is a wonderful husband too. He is almost always in a good mood and very steady. He loves me well. I feel treasured in his arms and in his look. He has provided so well for me all these years and man can he make me laugh! He is sexy and strong and just all around wonderful. I hate that I take him for granted, because the reality is that as I look around a lot of people I know are walking away from their marriages because this kind of stuff gets left unfixed, unsaid, and just plain old messy.
I don't ever want him to not feel loved. So here is my pledge to you godly girlies who read my post....I pledge to welcome my best friend home as though he were the prodigal son. I want you all to hold me to it. Because the bottom line is I don't want to lose/ruin the best thing going in my life right now.
This is where my title comes in. Brian and I have been to 3 Family Life marriage conferences over the years, but the one that sticks out most in my mind is the one we attended 6 years ago. We were in the battle of our lives to save our marriage and our family. Satan wanted it badly. God wanted it too and He won...Praise the Lord. The one session I remember the most was profound to say the least. I don't remember his name or anything that he said that day except this one part. He asked us to turn to each other and hold each other's hands and look into each other's eyes and repeat "You are not my enemy." Profound right? Probably not to everyone. But to us in that moment it was huge!!! By the third time we said it we were no longer giggling, but the truth truly settled into our hearts. It was like God had just turned on a huge lightbulb in our hearts. We were angry with each other, hurt, mad, sad, betrayed.....on and on went the feelings, but the bottom line was that we were wrestling "not with flesh and blood, but with powers, etc." Satan wanted our family to be ripped into a million pieces, but that isn't what God wanted at all and He showed us clearly where our minds had drifted astray!
I'm so thankful that He did. But the fact still remains that I don't always respond great when my wonderful husband arrives at home every day. The long day wears on me and my mood is unpredictable depending on how things went with the kids. I know with God's help that I can resolve this, but it is a pattern that has been set for sure. Instead of greeting him at the door with a hug and a kiss showing how much I missed him all day and asking about his day, he is often met with me breaking up a fight between brothers, or settling an argument about who had it first, or just the mess that our house is some days at the end of a long day/week with 6 people in it.
I must confess that I don't even realize that I do it, because again it was a pattern set so long ago that it is now a habit that must be broken so that I can in turn develop a new healthy pattern so Brian will want to come home to his wife who is always happy to see him. Because in spite of my mood, that is seriously the best part of my day is the moment he drives in that driveway. He is my best friend, my partner in life and the one I love to spend my time with making memories and laughing til my side hurts.
He is a wonderful husband too. He is almost always in a good mood and very steady. He loves me well. I feel treasured in his arms and in his look. He has provided so well for me all these years and man can he make me laugh! He is sexy and strong and just all around wonderful. I hate that I take him for granted, because the reality is that as I look around a lot of people I know are walking away from their marriages because this kind of stuff gets left unfixed, unsaid, and just plain old messy.
I don't ever want him to not feel loved. So here is my pledge to you godly girlies who read my post....I pledge to welcome my best friend home as though he were the prodigal son. I want you all to hold me to it. Because the bottom line is I don't want to lose/ruin the best thing going in my life right now.
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