Count Your Blessings

I am someone who loves to have all of my ducks in a row.  God has a sense of humor.  My life is nothing if not unpredictable.  I have learned to roll with the punches, go with the flow, be spontaneous, laugh at my circumstances; because let's face it, there are a lot of days it is laughable.  Clean dishes?  Vacuumed floors? Folded laundry?  It has been at least 3 years since those things have been at the top of my priority list. 

I am now homeschooling my 8 year old daughter 3rd grade.  We have a puppy and a bunny in the house now.  Bradley is living with my parents.  I work one day a week.  The dog brings in messes, the bunny pees on me occasionally, the dog pukes in the van.  The kids leave stuff everywhere in their hurry to get to the next thing we have going on.  Supper is often on the run.  I go to the gym at 8pm with a friend because I simply have no other time in the day to do it. 

Our calendar is filled to the max with appointments that cost money and take a lot of time and energy.  I have to rearrange and juggle and change them when other things pop up that weren't known at least a month in advance.  I almost miss appointments because of how scatter-brained I am lately with the stress of family problems.  I just laugh at myself and race around getting everyone out the door to be where they need to be and off we go running.

Don't get me wrong, I have my moments.  Just yesterday the stress and busyness and forgetfulness with my brain got me to a place where I had to ask my kid's forgiveness because I yelled and said some things that were truly unkind.  I was running on 5 hours of sleep and too much going on and way too much stress and I lost my cool.  They are such blessings though because they know I love them and would never hurt them on purpose.  They say cruel things sometimes that hurt my feelings.  I try not to show it unless it requires correction.  I know sometimes they just don't feel well or are tired or grumpy and grace is needed. 

Sometimes I would like to curl up in a ball and sleep away the days so that I don't have to think or feel anything anymore.  It is in those moments that God's strength, grace, peace and love overwhelm me.  Just yesterday I was reading a Proverbs 31 devotional and it was EXACTLY what I needed to read about JOY.  God's goodness is amazing.  I don't know how I would do it without him.  I also have friends who check in often or who I know I can call if I need them at any time of day.  They are amazing.  I also have a gym partner that when I feel least like going we go, because we both know how good it feels when we are finished.  I came home last night feeling so good compared to when I left the house. 

God has given me so many reasons to be thankful.  I was reminded of my favorite hymn the other day, Count Your Blessings:

1. When upon life’s billows you are tempest-tossed,
   When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
   Count your many blessings, name them one by one,
   And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.
   
   • Refrain:
     Count your blessings, name them one by one,
     Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
     Count your blessings, name them one by one,
     *Count your many blessings, see what God hath done.
     [*And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.]
2. Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
   Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
   Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly,
   And you will keep singing as the days go by.
3. When you look at others with their lands and gold,
   Think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold;
   Count your many blessings—*money cannot buy [*wealth can never buy]
   Your reward in heaven, nor your home on high.
4. So, amid the conflict whether great or small,
   Do not be discouraged, God is over all;
   Count your many blessings, angels will attend,
   Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.

Like Ann Voskamp says about listing your thanks,  if you are busy doing that you don't have time to complain or dwell on the negative things in your life. 

Complete

How quickly life changes.....I was looking back to the last time I wrote here....so much has happened since then.  I have read back through my journals for the past 3 years as well and seeing God's hand at work has been such a blessing.  I am not regular at journaling or keeping up here either, but what time I have spent writing, has truly blessed my heart to be able to look back and see all the ways God has held me up and the many ways He has seen us through some ridiculously difficult days and situations.  It is unmistakably his Hand at work. There is no other explanation.

The beginning of October, Brian went to visit his family, and on the way home he had hit rock bottom and texted me.  I felt for the first moment in months that there was hope.  It's ironic how in the darkest moment is when you can feel the lightest knowing that possibly God was finally answering your prayers that you had been faithfully praying for for months, years even.  I never stopped believing that God COULD restore us, but whether or not he WOULD was a different story.  It certainly looked grim for a long time.  We were supposed to be headed to the court to file for divorce that same week following his trip to Montreal, yet God saw fit to turn it around at the last possible moment.

In the two weeks following his trip things seemed different, but I dared not hope too much.  I was cautiously excited to see what God was doing in our lives.  It was cool to watch things turn around between us.  There was understandably hesitation and caution on both of our parts.  We decided at the end of the month to try to reconcile, knowing we would need outside help with the process.  As the days, weeks, and months continued; we slowly moved in a positive direction and God saw us through honeymoon days and some really tough Speed Bumps along the way.

Now after just over three months of being under the same roof again, I see God's gift in my husband and all that he has meant to me over the years, but what I refused(or was too distracted) to see for much of those days.  I am so thankful for who and what he is in my life.  He is the laughter and joy in my heart and life; and the love of each new morning, he is like the sunshine that had been missing during our year apart; he is the other half of me that was broken and gone from my life.  I still have moments that overwhelm me with joy and thankfulness that he is a part of my life again each day and not gone from my life forever.  I feel sadness over all that I almost lost and relief that I didn't in fact lose it.

Counting my Blessings is something that I have been challenged to do over and over again since I was a high schooler.  I certainly have come by my blessings easily in these past months.  They stare me in the face every morning I wake up and every night I crawl into bed.  I am truly the luckiest girl in the world to still have the love of my life by my side and to have not needed to lose him to find it out, though it was closer than I ever want to come again.  I intend to never again take advantage of him so that he feels worthless, and yet I know that I am prone to making stupid mistakes and forgetting quickly but I certainly hope I don't make him feel that way ever again.  He is such a blessing in my life.

I am sorry my love for not realizing the gem I had in you before and I vow to doing my best to never again making you feel like you aren't the most important human being in my life.  Because you are, and I am not complete without you in my life each and every day.

God is my all, but my Number 2 is for sure YOU! I love you.

Vacation part 2

We are having a fantastic time here in Chateauguay, Quebec. Tears keep showing up arbitrarily and unwantingly but all in all it has been such a refreshing, relaxing time.  We have been biking and walking all over the place. We have checked out four different playgrounds already in our time here.  We have spent time with Brian's parents, our sister-in-law and kids, and tomorrow will go see his cousin and girlfriend.

We went to Parc Safari yesterday with his parents. It was so much fun. The kids fed the animals during the safari part and we walked to see the rest of the animals.  The one animal we forgot to go see before we left is the giraffe. We were bummed about that but saw them just two years ago and will go back some day again I'm sure.

Dylan has practically lived on his bike while being here and Ruby paces wanting to be out there chasing him, but can't because we are in the "city".

Tim Hortons, what is there to say? We LOVE visiting there 1-2 times daily while being here. Their coffee is delicious, and they have sour cream donuts....yum, my favorite.

I had poutine for lunch which is my other downfall food when we are here.  It is another fave of mine.

We may head to yet another park in a while, this one has sprinklers for the kids to play in. And tonight we may head to Mount Royal to see the city from the overlook.

It's fun being in a place where there is so much free to do, and so close to do it.

Glad we still have 3 more days to enjoy here before getting back to reality.

Vacation

So I am in Canada at my In-laws for 5 days with 3 of my kiddos. I am a mix of emotions. I am truly enjoying quality time with three of my kids as well as his parents and over the next few days more family and friends.  I love coming up here. It is a break from routine. I need that like a breath of fresh air right now, so do the kids. However, leaving one child behind out if necessity and not having my husband travel with us anymore either just breaks my heart, especially when you are traveling familiar childhood territory of your almost former spouse.  I teared up a few times on the way up. Memories flooded in several times. And again traveling just 4 of us instead of 6 is torture.

The kids and I have had a blast since getting here. We took Ruby for a bike ride run around the neighborhood, then three of us rode our bikes to the park and I swung high in the sky like a bird on the swings. I felt like a kid again and very relaxed. It was wonderful. All in all this will be a good weekend. I am just worried moving forward what my relationship with these dear people will become, because for all their faults, they are still family. After 17 plus years what else would they be?

Pray for the kids and I that we enjoy our time and relax fully while we are here. And that God would guard my heart. The kid's relationship with these people isn't changing, but mine may be in the very near future and it saddens me deeply.

Welcome back

I tell you what....God has a sense of humor.  My life could either be seen as a comedy or tragedy, you decide.  I was reading the last few posts as it has been a while since I was on here. I am amazed at how much has happened since then. I thought it was rough/bad back then, and don't get me wrong, it was.  But man, have things truly spiraled downward since then.

I completely trust God with my whole being and I am so glad that I do. I'm glad I have Him in my life and that He is my ROCK. Without Him I would for sure be institutionalized by now.  I have moments where I think I may still end up there but for my kid's sake I truly hope not.

Brian moved out January 11th of this year. That day was one of the hardest days of my life. In a lot of ways it has since gotten easier. You adjust and keep moving forward especially when you have four young children looking up to you for your responses and relying on you.  Tonight however I can't sleep and I NEVER have trouble sleeping. I am exhausted every night and typically when my head hits that pillow I am out like a light.  Tonight though the tears showed up. Again, not something that often happens to me.  There has been so much hurt and loss already, yet there may need to be more before we are done.

I have a very love/hate relationship with our dog.  She is sweet and lovable but full of it.  She is high energy and with all that has transpired in our lives everyone is on autopilot/coping mode. For some that means sitting in front of the tv, some it means never sitting still, whatever it is.....the dog has gotten the raw leftovers.  She is not being cared for in the way she needs to be cared for. She is a sweet, sweet girl and Dylan adores her.  She is his best friend yet with all the loss he forgets her. Part of me wants to see her go because she destroys everything and makes a mess of everything including our front yard that looks like a minefield.  But the other part of me can't bear the thought of losing one more thing/person in my own life let alone my 11-year old's.  Brian asked our dentist yesterday if he wanted her. He is thinking about it. I just completely lost it tonight at the thought of her being gone and my broken son's heart.

I was fighting with one of my 14-year old's earlier about getting off Xbox to go to bed.  So in thinking about my priorities as a mom and in trying to teach my kid' show to work hard, manage their time, grieve properly, I have decided that the tv's are going away for the rest of the summer as of tomorrow morning.  I know most of you probably think. I am crazy(though I don't have many followers anyways), however as hard of an adjustment it will be for all of us, I think it will improve life all the way around when we all adjust.  The dog will be better cared for, we will have time for regular devotions, everyone will have time to read, play games together, and get more exercise.  All of the relationships within my home will strengthen, all because of ridding my home of a tool that right now Satan is using to tear my home apart. Call me crazy, but if nothing else, will you please pray for us.  When we got rid of cable months ago, we didn't really miss it, so now it is time for the next step.

That is where I am at tonight.  Not sure how much sense I made at 1:00 in the morning, but it's a start. Welcome back me to the blogging world. :)

Happy Birthday Ethan

Nine years ago today we gave birth to our 4th son, Ethan Mark Lajeunesse.  He was not living at the time of birth.  It baffles my mind how fast time flies.  It seems like yesterday and yet also like it never happened.  It is a whole confusion of emotions.  I don't very often feel like crying about our loss any more and yet sometimes, like today, it just hits me from out of nowhere.

How can you miss someone you have never even met?  How can you long for someone who touched your life in such a way that it is indescribable and yet never said a word or looked at you once in this lifetime?  Yet no matter how short a time he was here with us, he played a major role in my faith journey.  It was through that loss that God showed me clearly how much He loves me and how very much He cares about the details.

I was looking at our photo album and reading through my journal from those dark days.  And yet, in spite of the darkness, there is joy and light sprinkled everywhere in there.  The day we left for the hospital to deliver Ethan, August 5th, 2004, Brian prayed in our living room before we left that "God would help us, comfort us, and especially show us His presence in the hours to come."  And boy did He ever.  We had 3 amazing nurses: Lynn, Nancy, and Kim.  We have a picture of us with them.  They were God's gift to us that day.  I had at least 2 Christian nurses while I was in the hospital afterwards also.  My mom and I walked the hallways late at night, me drinking prune juice, and us just laughing....I don't remember about what.  She slept in bed with me because I couldn't sleep the night she stayed with me.  My aunt came and shared Romans 8 with me and it became such a place of hope and encouragement for me.  Romans 8:18~"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us."  The list just continues.

Brian was my "little" rock(he reminded me).   He was there to simply give me a hug when I needed to cry.  He would keep the boys occupied while I napped.  He loved me through it all: fat stomach and nothing to show for it, milk coming in and no baby to feed, an incision that didn't heal properly because one of my staples didn't hold, the messy house on the days I just couldn't pull it together.

I had friends and family and church people surround me to help with the boys, bring me meals, clean the house, put Dylan to bed or get him up from bed.  He was still in a crib and was a big 1 1/2 year old and I couldn't lift him due to a c-section.

There are so many good things to look back and give thanks for.  That is what I chose to do during those dark moments.  And there were dark moments.  Many of them.  I can remember thinking I had done something wrong to cause his death.  I am the mom....it is my job to care for my baby's even in the womb.  I remember telling Brian that I didn't want a girl that bad and that maybe it is because I really wanted one that God somehow had cruelly allowed his death.  I of course knew better, but it crossed my mind.  God in His faithfulness did see fit to give us a beautiful baby girl almost a year to the day later.  August 31, 2005 Kelsey Grace was born to our family.  Grace because God's grace saw fit to give us a healthy baby GIRL a year later after the tragedy our family faced.

But what a price Ethan had to pay for Kelsey to be here.  Kind of like Jesus paid the ultimate price for us to be in heaven with Him some day.  The thing that brought me immediate peace and hope was knowing without a doubt that Ethan was in Jesus' arms and that I WILL see him again some day and hold him for the first time.  I held his shell here on earth, but he was already in Jesus' safe and loving arms.

You may all think we are crazy but Brian and I have always prayed that our children would be taken before the age of understanding if they are not going to come to know Jesus as their personal Savior.  That way they don't have the choice to reject Christ/God.  Instead of living a life here on earth with us and an eternity in hell, they will not have a long life here with me but I will get to spend eternity with them in heaven.  What better gift could I as a parent give?  This gave me the most peace and joy and hope through those months.  Knowing that Ethan would never go down a horrible path that I would have to endure watching with a broken heart.  Instead he is running and jumping and healthy on gold streets with the best Father there is.

So though this blog may jump around and not make much sense and though maybe some of you think I have completely lost it, this is my heart concerning my precious baby boy.  He changed my life in ways that I can't even put into words.  He made me a better person and because of my loss I have come to know many good friends of mine because they too went through such a devastating loss and we could empathize with them because we had been there.  He allowed me to know my God better because of the journey I faced.  He gave me a priceless gift.  I am forever grateful for that.

And I can't wait to hold you in my arms and wish you a for real happy birthday some day sweet baby boy.  Happy Birthday Ethan! I love you with all my heart.  ~ Mommy ~

BE (curious aren't you?)

What a ride it has been.  The past several years have been non-stop.  Doctor's appointments innumerable, miles racked up on the van, not even remembering where I am driving on any given day as I get in "the mode".  It is unnerving when you suddenly realize you don't know where you are headed at that moment.  Then it clicks and the panic subsides.

I think about those who don't know God and how He directs.  What a panic that must bring about in people at moments where life is falling apart.  My life has practically fallen apart many times in the past few years and yet God is so faithful.  He has not let me go.  He has held me up in the hopeless moments.  He has given me strength when I just have nothing left.  He has sent just the right person and the right words at just the right moment to keep me going. 

I was able to get away this past April for a week to my good friend Kelsey MacMaster's house.  She and her husband have no children, but a sweet little dog by the name of Bailey.  I have never been what you would call a dog person mostly because I grew up with cats and some dogs freak me out with their barking and jumping.  I just didn't know what life with one was like.  I enjoyed my time away.  It was quiet.  Very quiet.  It took me 36-48 hours to simply unwind.  I didn't know how to just be still.  It was a new concept for me.  I have always been one who likes to be busy and in motion, but my life has dictated that pace at a rapid rate the past several years.  So to be able to just BE was a new concept to me.  It was heavenly.  I renewed and refreshed.  I rediscovered who and what I am as a person.....not as wife, mom, friend, doctor, taxi driver, etc.  Simply ME.  It was rejuvinating.  I came home remembering some of the things I used to love doing.  I rediscovered the things that filled me up.  I learned some new things about myself.  I found out even more new things after I got home and started seeing a counselor to help me establish boundaries and a balance for myself.  I remembered how much I loved to read.  I enjoy being in the kitchen trying new things again(though it is hard with the various tastebuds in our family).  I am learning to say no even to things and people that I enjoy and want to help but have relearned my limits.

I got to cuddle with Bailey on the couch reading often throughout the day.  It was glorious.  Kelsey asked me daily if there was anything I wanted to do, but I really didn't want to go anywhere.  We went for walks and drank coffee and painted our toenails, but it was nice just being somewhere that there was no schedule and no pressing matters and no one calling my name every 2 minutes and no medications to be administered except for my own. 

God met me there and reminded me how much worth I have.  He reminded me that my needs are also important and that if I don't spend time caring for myself that I can't take care of anyone else well.  I do it empty and frustrated and exhausted.  He filled me in a way that no human will ever be able to do. 

This summer my goal has been to keep it simple, keep it calm, keep it slow.  We took 6 weeks off from the crazy schedule of appointments.  We are just BEING.  I needed it. The kids needed it.  Our bank account needed it.  We have slept in, stayed in our pjs.  Drank coffee, watched too much tv.  And it is ok.  Because as soon as August 27th or whatever date hits that school starts up again life becomes mostly a whirlwind until it ends again the end of June.  So for now we focus on rest.  We focus on each other's needs.  We focus on God.  We focus on relationships. 

My encouragement to you today is to reevaluate your days.  See where your time is spent.  Is it on what is truly important?  My sister in law reminds me often that the house cleaning.....it's all gonna burn.  :)  I love that reminder.  Not that we should live in filth and not that we shouldn't train our children how to care for what God has given us.  However, it is not what is truly important for today or for eternity. 

Stay cool in this heat and BE.