Nine years ago today we gave birth to our 4th son, Ethan Mark Lajeunesse. He was not living at the time of birth. It baffles my mind how fast time flies. It seems like yesterday and yet also like it never happened. It is a whole confusion of emotions. I don't very often feel like crying about our loss any more and yet sometimes, like today, it just hits me from out of nowhere.
How can you miss someone you have never even met? How can you long for someone who touched your life in such a way that it is indescribable and yet never said a word or looked at you once in this lifetime? Yet no matter how short a time he was here with us, he played a major role in my faith journey. It was through that loss that God showed me clearly how much He loves me and how very much He cares about the details.
I was looking at our photo album and reading through my journal from those dark days. And yet, in spite of the darkness, there is joy and light sprinkled everywhere in there. The day we left for the hospital to deliver Ethan, August 5th, 2004, Brian prayed in our living room before we left that "God would help us, comfort us, and especially show us His presence in the hours to come." And boy did He ever. We had 3 amazing nurses: Lynn, Nancy, and Kim. We have a picture of us with them. They were God's gift to us that day. I had at least 2 Christian nurses while I was in the hospital afterwards also. My mom and I walked the hallways late at night, me drinking prune juice, and us just laughing....I don't remember about what. She slept in bed with me because I couldn't sleep the night she stayed with me. My aunt came and shared Romans 8 with me and it became such a place of hope and encouragement for me. Romans 8:18~"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us." The list just continues.
Brian was my "little" rock(he reminded me). He was there to simply give me a hug when I needed to cry. He would keep the boys occupied while I napped. He loved me through it all: fat stomach and nothing to show for it, milk coming in and no baby to feed, an incision that didn't heal properly because one of my staples didn't hold, the messy house on the days I just couldn't pull it together.
I had friends and family and church people surround me to help with the boys, bring me meals, clean the house, put Dylan to bed or get him up from bed. He was still in a crib and was a big 1 1/2 year old and I couldn't lift him due to a c-section.
There are so many good things to look back and give thanks for. That is what I chose to do during those dark moments. And there were dark moments. Many of them. I can remember thinking I had done something wrong to cause his death. I am the mom....it is my job to care for my baby's even in the womb. I remember telling Brian that I didn't want a girl that bad and that maybe it is because I really wanted one that God somehow had cruelly allowed his death. I of course knew better, but it crossed my mind. God in His faithfulness did see fit to give us a beautiful baby girl almost a year to the day later. August 31, 2005 Kelsey Grace was born to our family. Grace because God's grace saw fit to give us a healthy baby GIRL a year later after the tragedy our family faced.
But what a price Ethan had to pay for Kelsey to be here. Kind of like Jesus paid the ultimate price for us to be in heaven with Him some day. The thing that brought me immediate peace and hope was knowing without a doubt that Ethan was in Jesus' arms and that I WILL see him again some day and hold him for the first time. I held his shell here on earth, but he was already in Jesus' safe and loving arms.
You may all think we are crazy but Brian and I have always prayed that our children would be taken before the age of understanding if they are not going to come to know Jesus as their personal Savior. That way they don't have the choice to reject Christ/God. Instead of living a life here on earth with us and an eternity in hell, they will not have a long life here with me but I will get to spend eternity with them in heaven. What better gift could I as a parent give? This gave me the most peace and joy and hope through those months. Knowing that Ethan would never go down a horrible path that I would have to endure watching with a broken heart. Instead he is running and jumping and healthy on gold streets with the best Father there is.
So though this blog may jump around and not make much sense and though maybe some of you think I have completely lost it, this is my heart concerning my precious baby boy. He changed my life in ways that I can't even put into words. He made me a better person and because of my loss I have come to know many good friends of mine because they too went through such a devastating loss and we could empathize with them because we had been there. He allowed me to know my God better because of the journey I faced. He gave me a priceless gift. I am forever grateful for that.
And I can't wait to hold you in my arms and wish you a for real happy birthday some day sweet baby boy. Happy Birthday Ethan! I love you with all my heart. ~ Mommy ~
Monday, August 5, 2013
Friday, July 19, 2013
BE (curious aren't you?)
What a ride it has been. The past several years have been non-stop. Doctor's appointments innumerable, miles racked up on the van, not even remembering where I am driving on any given day as I get in "the mode". It is unnerving when you suddenly realize you don't know where you are headed at that moment. Then it clicks and the panic subsides.
I think about those who don't know God and how He directs. What a panic that must bring about in people at moments where life is falling apart. My life has practically fallen apart many times in the past few years and yet God is so faithful. He has not let me go. He has held me up in the hopeless moments. He has given me strength when I just have nothing left. He has sent just the right person and the right words at just the right moment to keep me going.
I was able to get away this past April for a week to my good friend Kelsey MacMaster's house. She and her husband have no children, but a sweet little dog by the name of Bailey. I have never been what you would call a dog person mostly because I grew up with cats and some dogs freak me out with their barking and jumping. I just didn't know what life with one was like. I enjoyed my time away. It was quiet. Very quiet. It took me 36-48 hours to simply unwind. I didn't know how to just be still. It was a new concept for me. I have always been one who likes to be busy and in motion, but my life has dictated that pace at a rapid rate the past several years. So to be able to just BE was a new concept to me. It was heavenly. I renewed and refreshed. I rediscovered who and what I am as a person.....not as wife, mom, friend, doctor, taxi driver, etc. Simply ME. It was rejuvinating. I came home remembering some of the things I used to love doing. I rediscovered the things that filled me up. I learned some new things about myself. I found out even more new things after I got home and started seeing a counselor to help me establish boundaries and a balance for myself. I remembered how much I loved to read. I enjoy being in the kitchen trying new things again(though it is hard with the various tastebuds in our family). I am learning to say no even to things and people that I enjoy and want to help but have relearned my limits.
I got to cuddle with Bailey on the couch reading often throughout the day. It was glorious. Kelsey asked me daily if there was anything I wanted to do, but I really didn't want to go anywhere. We went for walks and drank coffee and painted our toenails, but it was nice just being somewhere that there was no schedule and no pressing matters and no one calling my name every 2 minutes and no medications to be administered except for my own.
God met me there and reminded me how much worth I have. He reminded me that my needs are also important and that if I don't spend time caring for myself that I can't take care of anyone else well. I do it empty and frustrated and exhausted. He filled me in a way that no human will ever be able to do.
This summer my goal has been to keep it simple, keep it calm, keep it slow. We took 6 weeks off from the crazy schedule of appointments. We are just BEING. I needed it. The kids needed it. Our bank account needed it. We have slept in, stayed in our pjs. Drank coffee, watched too much tv. And it is ok. Because as soon as August 27th or whatever date hits that school starts up again life becomes mostly a whirlwind until it ends again the end of June. So for now we focus on rest. We focus on each other's needs. We focus on God. We focus on relationships.
My encouragement to you today is to reevaluate your days. See where your time is spent. Is it on what is truly important? My sister in law reminds me often that the house cleaning.....it's all gonna burn. :) I love that reminder. Not that we should live in filth and not that we shouldn't train our children how to care for what God has given us. However, it is not what is truly important for today or for eternity.
Stay cool in this heat and BE.
I think about those who don't know God and how He directs. What a panic that must bring about in people at moments where life is falling apart. My life has practically fallen apart many times in the past few years and yet God is so faithful. He has not let me go. He has held me up in the hopeless moments. He has given me strength when I just have nothing left. He has sent just the right person and the right words at just the right moment to keep me going.
I was able to get away this past April for a week to my good friend Kelsey MacMaster's house. She and her husband have no children, but a sweet little dog by the name of Bailey. I have never been what you would call a dog person mostly because I grew up with cats and some dogs freak me out with their barking and jumping. I just didn't know what life with one was like. I enjoyed my time away. It was quiet. Very quiet. It took me 36-48 hours to simply unwind. I didn't know how to just be still. It was a new concept for me. I have always been one who likes to be busy and in motion, but my life has dictated that pace at a rapid rate the past several years. So to be able to just BE was a new concept to me. It was heavenly. I renewed and refreshed. I rediscovered who and what I am as a person.....not as wife, mom, friend, doctor, taxi driver, etc. Simply ME. It was rejuvinating. I came home remembering some of the things I used to love doing. I rediscovered the things that filled me up. I learned some new things about myself. I found out even more new things after I got home and started seeing a counselor to help me establish boundaries and a balance for myself. I remembered how much I loved to read. I enjoy being in the kitchen trying new things again(though it is hard with the various tastebuds in our family). I am learning to say no even to things and people that I enjoy and want to help but have relearned my limits.
I got to cuddle with Bailey on the couch reading often throughout the day. It was glorious. Kelsey asked me daily if there was anything I wanted to do, but I really didn't want to go anywhere. We went for walks and drank coffee and painted our toenails, but it was nice just being somewhere that there was no schedule and no pressing matters and no one calling my name every 2 minutes and no medications to be administered except for my own.
God met me there and reminded me how much worth I have. He reminded me that my needs are also important and that if I don't spend time caring for myself that I can't take care of anyone else well. I do it empty and frustrated and exhausted. He filled me in a way that no human will ever be able to do.
This summer my goal has been to keep it simple, keep it calm, keep it slow. We took 6 weeks off from the crazy schedule of appointments. We are just BEING. I needed it. The kids needed it. Our bank account needed it. We have slept in, stayed in our pjs. Drank coffee, watched too much tv. And it is ok. Because as soon as August 27th or whatever date hits that school starts up again life becomes mostly a whirlwind until it ends again the end of June. So for now we focus on rest. We focus on each other's needs. We focus on God. We focus on relationships.
My encouragement to you today is to reevaluate your days. See where your time is spent. Is it on what is truly important? My sister in law reminds me often that the house cleaning.....it's all gonna burn. :) I love that reminder. Not that we should live in filth and not that we shouldn't train our children how to care for what God has given us. However, it is not what is truly important for today or for eternity.
Stay cool in this heat and BE.
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