I tell you what....God has a sense of humor. My life could either be seen as a comedy or tragedy, you decide. I was reading the last few posts as it has been a while since I was on here. I am amazed at how much has happened since then. I thought it was rough/bad back then, and don't get me wrong, it was. But man, have things truly spiraled downward since then.
I completely trust God with my whole being and I am so glad that I do. I'm glad I have Him in my life and that He is my ROCK. Without Him I would for sure be institutionalized by now. I have moments where I think I may still end up there but for my kid's sake I truly hope not.
Brian moved out January 11th of this year. That day was one of the hardest days of my life. In a lot of ways it has since gotten easier. You adjust and keep moving forward especially when you have four young children looking up to you for your responses and relying on you. Tonight however I can't sleep and I NEVER have trouble sleeping. I am exhausted every night and typically when my head hits that pillow I am out like a light. Tonight though the tears showed up. Again, not something that often happens to me. There has been so much hurt and loss already, yet there may need to be more before we are done.
I have a very love/hate relationship with our dog. She is sweet and lovable but full of it. She is high energy and with all that has transpired in our lives everyone is on autopilot/coping mode. For some that means sitting in front of the tv, some it means never sitting still, whatever it is.....the dog has gotten the raw leftovers. She is not being cared for in the way she needs to be cared for. She is a sweet, sweet girl and Dylan adores her. She is his best friend yet with all the loss he forgets her. Part of me wants to see her go because she destroys everything and makes a mess of everything including our front yard that looks like a minefield. But the other part of me can't bear the thought of losing one more thing/person in my own life let alone my 11-year old's. Brian asked our dentist yesterday if he wanted her. He is thinking about it. I just completely lost it tonight at the thought of her being gone and my broken son's heart.
I was fighting with one of my 14-year old's earlier about getting off Xbox to go to bed. So in thinking about my priorities as a mom and in trying to teach my kid' show to work hard, manage their time, grieve properly, I have decided that the tv's are going away for the rest of the summer as of tomorrow morning. I know most of you probably think. I am crazy(though I don't have many followers anyways), however as hard of an adjustment it will be for all of us, I think it will improve life all the way around when we all adjust. The dog will be better cared for, we will have time for regular devotions, everyone will have time to read, play games together, and get more exercise. All of the relationships within my home will strengthen, all because of ridding my home of a tool that right now Satan is using to tear my home apart. Call me crazy, but if nothing else, will you please pray for us. When we got rid of cable months ago, we didn't really miss it, so now it is time for the next step.
That is where I am at tonight. Not sure how much sense I made at 1:00 in the morning, but it's a start. Welcome back me to the blogging world. :)
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