Count Your Blessings

I am someone who loves to have all of my ducks in a row.  God has a sense of humor.  My life is nothing if not unpredictable.  I have learned to roll with the punches, go with the flow, be spontaneous, laugh at my circumstances; because let's face it, there are a lot of days it is laughable.  Clean dishes?  Vacuumed floors? Folded laundry?  It has been at least 3 years since those things have been at the top of my priority list. 

I am now homeschooling my 8 year old daughter 3rd grade.  We have a puppy and a bunny in the house now.  Bradley is living with my parents.  I work one day a week.  The dog brings in messes, the bunny pees on me occasionally, the dog pukes in the van.  The kids leave stuff everywhere in their hurry to get to the next thing we have going on.  Supper is often on the run.  I go to the gym at 8pm with a friend because I simply have no other time in the day to do it. 

Our calendar is filled to the max with appointments that cost money and take a lot of time and energy.  I have to rearrange and juggle and change them when other things pop up that weren't known at least a month in advance.  I almost miss appointments because of how scatter-brained I am lately with the stress of family problems.  I just laugh at myself and race around getting everyone out the door to be where they need to be and off we go running.

Don't get me wrong, I have my moments.  Just yesterday the stress and busyness and forgetfulness with my brain got me to a place where I had to ask my kid's forgiveness because I yelled and said some things that were truly unkind.  I was running on 5 hours of sleep and too much going on and way too much stress and I lost my cool.  They are such blessings though because they know I love them and would never hurt them on purpose.  They say cruel things sometimes that hurt my feelings.  I try not to show it unless it requires correction.  I know sometimes they just don't feel well or are tired or grumpy and grace is needed. 

Sometimes I would like to curl up in a ball and sleep away the days so that I don't have to think or feel anything anymore.  It is in those moments that God's strength, grace, peace and love overwhelm me.  Just yesterday I was reading a Proverbs 31 devotional and it was EXACTLY what I needed to read about JOY.  God's goodness is amazing.  I don't know how I would do it without him.  I also have friends who check in often or who I know I can call if I need them at any time of day.  They are amazing.  I also have a gym partner that when I feel least like going we go, because we both know how good it feels when we are finished.  I came home last night feeling so good compared to when I left the house. 

God has given me so many reasons to be thankful.  I was reminded of my favorite hymn the other day, Count Your Blessings:

1. When upon life’s billows you are tempest-tossed,
   When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
   Count your many blessings, name them one by one,
   And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.
   
   • Refrain:
     Count your blessings, name them one by one,
     Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
     Count your blessings, name them one by one,
     *Count your many blessings, see what God hath done.
     [*And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.]
2. Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
   Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
   Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly,
   And you will keep singing as the days go by.
3. When you look at others with their lands and gold,
   Think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold;
   Count your many blessings—*money cannot buy [*wealth can never buy]
   Your reward in heaven, nor your home on high.
4. So, amid the conflict whether great or small,
   Do not be discouraged, God is over all;
   Count your many blessings, angels will attend,
   Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.

Like Ann Voskamp says about listing your thanks,  if you are busy doing that you don't have time to complain or dwell on the negative things in your life. 

Complete

How quickly life changes.....I was looking back to the last time I wrote here....so much has happened since then.  I have read back through my journals for the past 3 years as well and seeing God's hand at work has been such a blessing.  I am not regular at journaling or keeping up here either, but what time I have spent writing, has truly blessed my heart to be able to look back and see all the ways God has held me up and the many ways He has seen us through some ridiculously difficult days and situations.  It is unmistakably his Hand at work. There is no other explanation.

The beginning of October, Brian went to visit his family, and on the way home he had hit rock bottom and texted me.  I felt for the first moment in months that there was hope.  It's ironic how in the darkest moment is when you can feel the lightest knowing that possibly God was finally answering your prayers that you had been faithfully praying for for months, years even.  I never stopped believing that God COULD restore us, but whether or not he WOULD was a different story.  It certainly looked grim for a long time.  We were supposed to be headed to the court to file for divorce that same week following his trip to Montreal, yet God saw fit to turn it around at the last possible moment.

In the two weeks following his trip things seemed different, but I dared not hope too much.  I was cautiously excited to see what God was doing in our lives.  It was cool to watch things turn around between us.  There was understandably hesitation and caution on both of our parts.  We decided at the end of the month to try to reconcile, knowing we would need outside help with the process.  As the days, weeks, and months continued; we slowly moved in a positive direction and God saw us through honeymoon days and some really tough Speed Bumps along the way.

Now after just over three months of being under the same roof again, I see God's gift in my husband and all that he has meant to me over the years, but what I refused(or was too distracted) to see for much of those days.  I am so thankful for who and what he is in my life.  He is the laughter and joy in my heart and life; and the love of each new morning, he is like the sunshine that had been missing during our year apart; he is the other half of me that was broken and gone from my life.  I still have moments that overwhelm me with joy and thankfulness that he is a part of my life again each day and not gone from my life forever.  I feel sadness over all that I almost lost and relief that I didn't in fact lose it.

Counting my Blessings is something that I have been challenged to do over and over again since I was a high schooler.  I certainly have come by my blessings easily in these past months.  They stare me in the face every morning I wake up and every night I crawl into bed.  I am truly the luckiest girl in the world to still have the love of my life by my side and to have not needed to lose him to find it out, though it was closer than I ever want to come again.  I intend to never again take advantage of him so that he feels worthless, and yet I know that I am prone to making stupid mistakes and forgetting quickly but I certainly hope I don't make him feel that way ever again.  He is such a blessing in my life.

I am sorry my love for not realizing the gem I had in you before and I vow to doing my best to never again making you feel like you aren't the most important human being in my life.  Because you are, and I am not complete without you in my life each and every day.

God is my all, but my Number 2 is for sure YOU! I love you.